Man's Dirty Little Secret

A statement on pornography use by men in the US

The American Institute of Boys and Men recently published The Landscape of Pornography Use by Men in the United States. The report shared the following results:

• More than 80% (many estimates exceeding 90%) of adult men in the US report exposure to pornography in their lifetime, and 40-70% within the year.

• About half of men aged 25 and under report weekly viewing, and usage generally declines with age.

• One US study reported 95% of male university students view pornography at least weekly and 62% at least several times a week.

• Rates are highest among younger men, and the trend line is moving upward. The mean age of first exposure to pornography in the US is 12.

David Sasaki articulates the issue with precision:

“Pornography use is a near-universal feature of male development in the digital age, but the effects of that exposure are varied and insufficiently studied.”

That’s where we are at. While I appreciate the call for additional research, I’m not holding my breath to learn more about the impact of pornography. I have seen enough to be concerned with porn being a staple of male-development.

As a man, I don’t think we should settle for this dirty little secret. I assume most of the men in these studies would prefer to remain anonymous. To be clear, I’m not suggesting we ride in on our high horses and strike down the wrongdoers. There wouldn’t be many of us left standing.

What I am suggesting is that we call pornography what it is: sexual misconduct.

What percentage of men truly believe that using pornography is a demonstration of ethical conduct? How many men believe the industry makes the world a better place? How many think this is a skillful allocation of resources? We can pose lots of questions, and we can always finish by asking, “Is it the right thing to do?”

I’m going to bet the majority of men share a common, perhaps near-universal answer. My question for men is this: how do we close the gap between what we know to be right and what we believe will make us happy?

First, we need to understand our relationship with pornography. Why do we crave it? What is the motivation for this desire? How does using it—before, during, and after—make us feel?

Next, we need to believe that using pornography is indeed a form of sexual misconduct. We have to recognize that sexual craving is different from love. We have to acknowledge that using pornography is an expression of sexual activity, and this activity does not honor a long-term, loving commitment to another person. We must accept the fact that our use of pornography is a reflection of our sexual energy, how we care for it, and how we care for the sexuality of others.

Finally, we will need to decide if we are willing to make a vow to refrain from sexual misconduct. If we come to terms with pornography being a form of sexual misconduct, and if we gain the insight that our lives are better without it, this decision is a natural one.

Making a vow to refrain from sexual misconduct has become particularly muddied for young men. Because of the many instances of sexual misconduct perpetrated by religious and other institutional leaders, pornography can seem like a better “alternative.” I don’t buy this.

As a society, as institutions and traditions, secular and spiritual, we can be stronger. We can care more about our ethical consistency, not by becoming more judgmental, but by becoming more disciplined.

---

Thank you for reading! Please feel free to share this work if you think a friend would enjoy it. To receive more insights on principled leadership, performance, and the well-being of boys and men, subscribe to my Substack or visit nicholasnowak.com.

Cheers,

Nick

---