It's OK to Be Boys
Pillars for building the social health of boys and men
This article is dedicated to building social health for boys and men. While both men and women are increasingly lonely (particularly those from low income backgrounds), men are less likely to reach out for help. Men are in need of intimate male friendships, yet they sense a paradoxical obligation for self-reliance. As a society, we generally see all-female spaces as more positive than all-male spaces, which doesn’t help men who have an easier time connecting through group or shoulder-to-shoulder activities. For a slew of reasons, people generally spend less time fostering friendships as they get older, and social circles shrink for men as they age.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Men can give and get help with shared challenges, connecting with the guys who have their back. I propose the following pillars for supporting the social health of boys and men.
Celebrate being a boy
It’s OK to be boys, as in close friends who would do anything for one another. Resilient bonds are a staple of a positive masculine identity. We shouldn’t scoff at these relationships as “bromances.” We should celebrate them. More on the value of these friendships when we talk about connection.
It is important to begin with this structural pillar so that we build around a framework of affirmation.
We are trending in the right direction here (see the image below for Americans’ views of “masculine” men), but I’ll say it anyway: it’s OK to be a boy. Each boy born into this world is not complicit in some original sin. Boys are good.
The negative narrative about boys and men is misleading. Richard V Reeves says that it is mostly untrue that young men are turning “en masse to the right, adopting misogynistic outdated views about gender, masculinity and gender roles.” He explains how recent research (2025) indicates that young men rank “being wealthier than those around you,” “winning and being the best” and “being sexually active” as the lowest-ranking attributes for men. Also, a high share of young men describe caring for kids as manly.
We’ll look at the values people think we should place more emphasis on soon.
As we consider the rites of passage to manhood, let’s remember that boys also deserve joyful traditions that celebrate their identity as boys and their commitment to one another.
Optimism is a virtue
American optimism is sinking. A recent Gallup poll suggests that we are just about as low as the depths of the 2008 financial crisis.
While there are some compelling specimens to raise doubt about the future success of men, I urge us to avoid the generalization instinct. Most men are not touting their supremacy, hurling insults, or abusing their power over others. Men who do so will undoubtedly suffer with regards to their social health.
For the ordinary man, we should continue to emphasize growth and strengths, rather than foundering and deficits. We should be suspicious of anyone who requires fame, and we should honor wisdom over charm.
Optimism is simply confidence in the future, and the future is simple in the sense that it does not exist. We can best generate optimism by creating the conditions that are most likely to lead to future success. Focusing on conditions that cultivate peace of mind will chart a brighter path.
Connection is essential
Boys and men are less likely to reach out to a friend for support. Nonetheless, I believe this may be our best entry point for prompting men to connect and get the help they need. With mindful community building and a little nudging, friends will step up.
Dominick Shattuck, PhD argues that men’s health outcomes are shaped by systems as much as choices. I agree that we should “leverage trusted spaces and relationships.” It’s in the third spaces—community/social organizations, athletic and recreational activities—where men often feel like they can be themselves.
At the same time, I think men don’t want to taint those feel-good spaces with their baggage. However, outside of family, it’s these spaces that offer the most connection. It’s these people who are best positioned to listen, relate, and help.
There is a lot of ground to be gained in the market of connection. The demand is high. I have this silly idea of starting a “garage hopping” movement where groups of men get together in garages and talk about challenges and whatnot. I’ll keep you posted.
(When I was a kid—I did not do this—garage hopping was the term for driving around and looking for an open garage that you could steal beer from. Apparently, it’s still a thing, though it would not be an approved activity in the next section.)
Ethical confidence is inspiring
When it comes to supporting men’s mental and social health, I think we’ll actually be more effective if we talk with boys and men about practicing ethical strength rather than self-care. From my experience as a teacher, I don’t see the mental health language landing with boys.
Boys want to feel respected and worthy, and I believe the yoking of self-confidence and ethical judgment can offer just that. Ethical confidence shifts the focus from what is wrong with you to who you want to be, a more purpose-driven narrative. While boys view mental health as something you have or lack, ethical confidence is a project that requires work.
I’m not suggesting we abandon mental health support or self-care. Rather, I encourage us to recognize the existing barriers to help-seeking behavior and brainstorm innovative ways to incentivize character development, which includes elevating mental health and peace of mind.
A 2025 Harvard study links “strong moral character” with reduced risk for depression, anxiety, and cardiovascular disease (a reduction of 21–51%). This is new data telling an ancient story.
We are still getting tangled in this search for a “healthier masculinity,” in the deconstruction and reconstruction of man. We aren’t going to cook up an enlightened state of masculinity with some academic breakthrough. It’s time to call off the hunt and reconnect with our human nature as caregivers:
Just as a mother would protect her only child with her life, even so let one cultivate a boundless love towards all beings. (Attributed to the Buddha)
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:12–13)
Each of us is connected with the rest of humanity, and the universe is one’s own city. We should treat even the stranger as if he were our brother, for we are all kin by nature. (Epictetus)
One should love every single person as one’s own self. If one finds another person lacking, one should strive to mend that lack or pray for them... For all souls are rooted in the One, and to love another is to love the Source of all. (The Baal Shem Tov)
I have seen the Truth. I have seen the Light. I have seen that there is no ‘other.’ The lover and the beloved are one, and the love that connects them is the very fabric of the universe. Love all, for God is hidden in the heart of every creature. (Attar of Nishapur)
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)
Many threads from many traditions weaving the same pattern for thousands of years.
We don’t need a new playbook for men. In our efforts to reconstruct masculinity we have uprooted men and abandoned the wisdom of our ancestors for snake oil. It’s not my prerogative to play the missionary. Still, when it comes to developing an ethical framework that fosters connection and purpose, we don’t need to reinvent the wheel.
Vulnerability is courageous
Speaking of ethical confidence, we ought to recognize vulnerability as an act of courage. By seeking help and being open with others, we strengthen our relationships and grow more resilient. Take a look at the male characteristics people think we don’t place enough value on:
Caring, open about emotions, soft-spoken, affectionate—these are the traits of a person who is willing to be vulnerable. If you are a man, and you feel pressure to subdue these qualities, the data is giving you permission to notice that pressure…and to let it dissipate amidst the dreamworld in which it was imagined.
As I’ve said before, the characteristics of vulnerability don’t come at the expense of confidence, assertiveness, risk-taking, or physical strength. They complement them.
Dads matter
A boy looks to his father’s example. Pew found that 66% of men say their father has been “highly influential in shaping their views about what it means to be a man.”
This is pretty striking. It confirms that helping men become good fathers is worth the investment. And the data would suggest that dads are indeed getting better. Men are more involved as parents. Instead of limiting the scope of their caregiving to financial contributions, they want to be present in their kids’ lives.
As I charge through my 30’s, I find myself talking with more and more friends about being a dad. It’s helpful to discuss the challenges of fatherhood with a buddy. These conversations keep us connected and feeling less isolated. They are reassuring and heartening, genuine and joyful.
Recommendations
With all that said, here are my closing recommendations:
Where all-boys communities exist, ensure they include ceremonies and rituals that celebrate a boy’s growth into a caring young man.
Place a high value on close male friendships.
Avoid generalizing and catastrophizing the state of men. Instead of pouring gasoline on the flames of a “masculinity crisis,” create conditions for optimism and invite men to join a positive human project.
Develop ethical confidence through a consistent practice rooted in ancestral wisdom.
Make space for and encourage vulnerability.
Facilitate conversations about fatherhood.
Thank you for reading! Please feel free to share this work if you think a friend would enjoy it. To receive more insights on principled leadership, performance, and the well-being of boys and men, subscribe to my Substack or visit goodmenders.com.
Cheers,
Nick